Little Red Riding and Robin - Hoods

A Play

  

Act I

Scene I

Mountain elves are discovered inside a mountain making a golden brooch cast in the shape of a dragon with what isn`t obviously its penis in its mouth. The camera enters through the peaceful idyllic external mountainside with trees and a lake to a cave darkly within which a hive of industry transpires upon the eyes of the cinema audience with elves working busily everywhere upon numerous indescribably wondrous projects. The eye of the camera takes the viewer deep inside the cavern pausing to show some of the elvish wonders before arriving at the place where the great brooch is made before it`s miniaturized to be the clasp for a cloak.

Scene II

Little Red Riding Hood is carrying her wicker basket along the forest's winding path to grandma's house. She`s so called because of the cape she always wears, clasped at her throat by a golden brooch, made by mountain elves and cast in the shape of a dragon with what isn`t totally obvious to an objective scrutiny its penis in its mouth and that, as the camera looks at it, grins back and winks conspiratorially.

Scene III

Red: `I wonder whether I should go staright to grandma`s house, as mother has ordered, which is a wise precaution on account of the wood bandits ...`

Scene IV

 Wood bandits robbing travelers.They`re called wood bandits because they`re made of wood and the audience are treated to a bonfire blaze as waylaid travelers take their revenge.

Scene V

Red: `... or go the long way round, which is prettier and slightly more dangerous, although it offers the possibility of meeting 'the legendary Robin Hood', as my boyfriend is proud of describing himself, despite being only seven and he hasn't yet learned how to count further than that yet.`

Scene VI

 The legend; seven years old looking puzzled over his fingers and a pile of pebbles as he`s trying to decipher how many fingers he`s holding up.

Scene VII

 Flashback to Red`s mother telling her to go `straight there`. Red`s mother is an attractive blonde woman who looks as if she should be in a burlesque comedy wearing a basque, because she is.

Mother: `Go straight there.`

Red: `Ok, and I can take the long way back in the hope that the slightly more dangerous route might produce such delicious dangers as the legend and I staring deeply into one another’s eyes and sitting so close together that our knees touch.`

Scene VIII

Red and the legend sitting close together on a love seat along a woodland path at some indeterminate point in time and staring into each others` eyes with their knees touching.

Scene IX

 Tripping along gaily beside the violets and primroses that, nodding their heads at Red in a way that is very similar to the conspiratorially winking tail-eating dragon brooch clasped at her throat, Red begins to daydream. Looking about her at the dark trees of the forest; tall, straight and majestic with their leaves golden and suntanned, purpled and glowing,they occasionally fall about her, onto her, and into her basket, cloak and surprise of surprises, right into her little hand inside her very own tiny pocket, where she grips tightly on and makes a wish, because the catching of leaves even by accident is an auspicious omen that invites the catcher to work a bit of luck magic for his or herself.

Red: 'I wish that Robin would marryme and that I could have everything I want when I want - just  like he can.'

Scene X

 Red speaks to the trees and flowers, standing up straight and holding her arms aloft, spinning round three times, her head gets rather dizzy and, feeling like she has to sit down, she sits - thump! - in the middle of the path, senses swimming, the purple golden green leaf held up in front of her eyes which, slowly focusing, fill with silvery light and jubilation as, who should she see striding merrily towards her along the rudely beaten track but Robin himself, red-faced and sharp-eyed, holding his bow aloft in triumph and excitement, his right hand containing a scrawny rodent he's ambushed a few minutes ago.

Scene XI

Flashback to the rodent while it is sunning itself on a hillock in front of a sun-warmed rock that, careful not to arouse the 'wee sleekit, cow`rin, tim'rous beastie'1 and its sense of danger, Robin crawls up to.

Robin: `Wee sleekit, cow`rin, tim`rous beastie.`

Scene XII

 Robin practicing with his bow and arrows that havered suckers on the end that stick to windows and paintwork.

Scene XIII

 Without even thinking about stringing an arrow to his bow, which anyway only had those little red suction cups on the end that, if you lick them, stick to  paintwork and windows, Robin hits the rodent with a rock, an unprotesting creature, which turns out to be quite a fat mouse.

Robin: `Eatable probably.`

 Robin reassures himself, despite the fact that the rock has squashed it pretty near flat and squelched all or most of its insides out of it to lie in stringy pools of red stickiness all across the greensward. Impaling it upon one of the arrows from his quiver, it all looks a bit silly really. Robin, having had to remove one of the red-sucker-tips to skewer his flat, messy prize with, it`s not a very plausible trophy to present to Red by any stretch of the imagination.

Robin: 'Hola!'

Scene XIV

Crying out his greeting, Robin thrusts the almost rat into the face of the besotted maid bent on marrying him.

Robin: 'I killed it myself.'

 Robin proudly flourishes his toy bow from Woolworth's.

Robin: 'It put up a terrific fight I can tell you.'

Robin enthuses.

Robin: `But, after a horrendously touch-and-go struggle, I managed to overcome its fearsome jaws and rapier-like claws to emerge as the bloody-but-unbowed victor.'

Red: 'It's very flat.'

 Red examines the diminutive and diminished corpse.

Robin: I hit it not once but four or five times with the rock - just to be sure, you know? Because it felt kind of good and, well, the damn thing wouldn't stop squirming about till I'd walloped it a few times good and hard, until this brown liquid appeared ...

 Robin holds aloft the dripping rodent, which drips chocolately.

 Scene XV

Flashback to Robin hitting the mouse not once but four or five times with the rock until it stops squirming.

Scene XVI

Red:  'What did you do,suck it to death?'

 Red licks the sucker on the end of the piece of dowling with the notch at the end of it for the bow's nylon string suggestively, while looking up at him with big baby blue eyes in a way that is oddly discomfiting, alluring, and promisingly suggestive of something he isn't quite sure he wants to get involved in - yet.

Red: 'Will you marry me? I have a wicker basket with some cakes and oranges and rose-hip syrup that I have to take to grandma, but you can come with us and say 'Hola!' to her if you like and she might give us some choc-lit.'

Robin: 'Maid Marrying isn't in my line - yet, but I'll take your wicca basket.'

Scene XVII

 Robin hoiststhe basket onto his shoulder, hoists the willing damsel up from the soily turf and drags her happily blushing furiously all the way to grandma's house, singing this song as he goes along;

'Hola! Apples and Pears,                  

I've unzipped a Banana,                        

Hola! Peaches and Plums

I've had Bananarama,

Hola! Oranges and Grapes,

I've said Abracada-bra

Hola! Lemons and Limes

I've...na nah na na nah nuh!

Hola! Melons and Pot!

Forever Carmina Burana!'

Scene XVIII

 Bananarama`s Siobhan Fahey dancing in her red devil`s suit in the promotional video for the group`s US #1 hit single, `Venus` (1986), while Carl Orff`s 1937 canatata, Carmina Burana, plays as the background music.

Scene XIX

Red: 'Hola!'

 Red cries out while holding her cape like a matador goading a bull, and Robin makes little horns with the index fingers of his hands on top of his head and rushes at her in mock earnestness as if ready to gore and trample her with the hooves of his sturdy woodsman's hobnail boots.

Scene XX

Robin`s mum talking to no one in particular who just happens to be there.

Robin`s mum: `I bought Robin`s hobnail boots from Stead & Simpson's rather than the Dr Scholl's I'd wanted for myself because, though incredibly flat,ugly, clumpy-looking lumpish things, Dr Scholl`s are so comfy and pleasant to wear, but besides Robin needed new shoes all the time as he would go into that wood with that girl and play 'bullfighters' all day without giving a thought to his poor mum at home wondering where he was and what he was doing and who he was doing it with and hoping it wasn't anything illegal or sick.`

 Scene XXI

Robin`s mum going into Stead & Simpson`s to buy Robin hobnail boots after regretfully looking over several attractive ugly looking Dr Scholl`s comfortable shoes. We see her examining several pairs of shoes before choosing the ugliest pair of boots in the store and going to the cashier to purchase the dreadful item.

 Robin`s mum: `He`s such a worry to me. Do you think it`s quite normal for a boy to be alone in a room in the dark for four days with only a squirrel and a tube of toothpaste for company?

 Scene XXII

Flash forward to the present where Robin`s mum is still talking to no one in particular, who just happens to be there. Robin`s mum suddenly gets worried and starts glancing fitfully at the clock on the mantlepiece every fifteen or twenty seconds.

 Robin`s mum: I remember how he'd once cooked snails in a bonfire with no intention of eating them, just to see  how he would feel about it afterwards, as it were.`

No one: `Um.`

Scene XXIII

 Robin cooking snails on a bonfire with no intention of eating them.

Robin: `I just want to see how I feel about it, as it were.`

Scene XXIV

Robin`s mum: `And then there was the time when he'd stuffed all manner of weird things he'd caught and killed into a jam jar where they'd festered and deteriorated for months because he'd told everyone it was an important experiment he was conducting upon the slug, worm, bug and lepidoptera population of his mother's rockery.`

Robin stuffing all manner of weird things he's caught and killed into a jam jar where time lapse photography shows how they fester and deteriorate for months.

 Robin: `Listen everyone, I`m telling you it`s an important experiment I am conducting upon the slug, worm, bug and lepidoptera population of my mother's rockery.`

Act II

Scene I

Grandma`s house

Red: 'We've arrived!`

 Red slips the latch on the cottage gate and runs up the crazy paving of the broken sandstones that leads to her grandma who, standing inside her open door, appearsto greet them with a big smile, and a ferocious display of eye-rolling and black Afro-American wisdom.

Grandma: 'Lawdy, lawdy, where've you been chil'?'

 Grandma`s clearly endeavoring to disguise what looks like a very bad wig inside her bonnet that, spotted withyellow and red spots with smiley-miley faces on them, gives the whole grotesque vision the look of something from inside somebody's bellybutton when they haven't washed for a week. Her response to Red's greeting is to beckon the pair onwards and inwards to sample the unspecified delights of the interior of her peculiarly foreboding abode.

Robin: 'She's getting a bit long in the tooth these days, isn't she Red?'

 Robin observes, staring hard at the great teeth in the rather elongated jaw and the tongue lolling out of the side like askew stair carpetting.

Robin: `And those rotating eyeballs are suggestive of B.S.E.;the mad cow's diseased for sure.'

 Robin opines, peering into the innermost recesses of the bonnet and noting that most of the hair inside consisted of a pair of Big Ears tied in a knot over the top of granny's skull.

Robin: 'I hope she hasn't got Noddy in there too,and she badly needs a shave, especially on her tits.'

 Robin exclaims, noticing a veritable forestry commission undertaking poking out of her bodice allover the place.

Robin: 'My,what Big Feet you've got grandma.`

Grandma: All the better for kicking you in the conkers.'

 Grandma, suiting word to deed, and demonstrating reflexes better than Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, boots Robin in the balls.

Grandma: `Love all?`

The poor unfortunate is caused to double up in agony and hop about the floor like a mobile wall bracketlooking for a shelf to hold up.

Robin: `New balls please!`

 Thru his pain.

Scene II

 Cartoon of Robin as a mobile wall bracket hopping about looking for a shelf to hold up. The wall bracket finally manages to get into position to hold up a shelf of books and DVDs which seems to soothe it somewhat. The camera pans along the books there on display and several of the titles and DVDs are readable; Never Mind The Bollocks, Here`s The Sex Pistols, Bend It Like Beckham, The Secret Policeman`s Ball, Ballbreaker, Spaceballs ...

 Scene III

 Grandma springs rather too spryly for aseptuagenarian upon her granddaughter's  wicker basket and wolfs down its contents in next to no time ravenously. Taking what appear to be rather large green peas from a jar she shoves them up her nose and snorts them like coke.

Grandma: 'Owoooooooooh!'

Grandma boots Robin again for good measure, and bounds athletically about the furniture, grunting, snorting and holding a tennis racket while wearing a sweat band and chomping on an apple until there are bits of green skin sticking between her teeth while she screams.

Grandma:  'Those balls weresin!'

 The `legend`, straightening up to his full height of about four feet nine inches, batters her on the head with a cricket bat he's noticed lying about the floor between the ottoman and the writing bureau.

Robin: 'Na-na na-na na-na na-na, na-na na-na na-na na-na -Batman!'

Scene IV

 The room darkens so that the Bat Signal can be seen displayed outside the window projected onto a patch of starry sky.

 Scene V

 Light returns to the room where Robin is still beating grandma`s head with the bat until it`s just a pulpy splodge on the sofa he'd been bouncing around on before he'd brought bat and venerable old lady's head into violent contact with each other.

 Narrator:  `As is the way of young hoods everywhere when they feel threatened by something they don't understand and which, if they tried to, would probably tear off their heads and stick them up their own bottoms.`

 Red: 'Robin! Boy, you're a wonder.'

 Red enthusiastically pulls off granny's undegarments to reveal the coarsely haired tumescence of a wolf in borrowed clothing and, forcing herself not to let the boy wonder see just how interested she is in that horripilating exterior, goes through to the bedroom of the tiny thatched dwelling to where the real grandma Hood is to be found, tied to a brass bedstead,all naked and wobbly, but with a great big smile on her chops and a tongue like an askew piece of stair carpetting hanging loosely salivating from the side of her mouth while her eyes roll around at speed inside their sockets and she mumbles incoherently over and over again repetitively like the senile delinquents do.

 Grandma II: 'There's a good doggy, attaboy, would you like some cho-clit?'

 Grandma II`s hands flap vaguely and her legs flop around as if trying to prevent something from remembering it'd happened.

Red: 'She's not wearing anything.`

Robin: 'If she is, it wants ironing.'

 The Lincoln Green bedecked hero of the bat prods at her crinkly breasts with the handle end of his makeshift bludgeon.

Robin: 'Shall we untie her, or..?    `

Robin leaves the unspoken question hanging in the air where it thinks about what it is going to be and then it hits Red with all the force of an inspiration, her tiny cheeks burning crimson, the buds of her breasts pushing hard against the fabric of her smock, swallowing hard and fighting to protect hereself from baser instincts that whisper deep dark longings.

Scene VI

 A montage of all those bloody long jaunts Red had to make through the forest and back, bearing panniers of comestibles like some overused pack mule, to be rewarded only by a square of choc-lit no bigger than a postage stamp of very low value indeed and summarily dismissed as soon as the old crone feels the urge to use her commode and fall asleep, which always occurs immediately after the feast that begins almost as soon as Red deposits the contents of her basket onto the kitchen table, her grandmother gathering the whole between her arms and, slapping away all Red's attempts to partake of the picnic herself, greedily gorges herself silly in no particular order; spam being followed by semolina, in turn succeeded by a dish of prawns, perhaps to be superceded by croissants and raspberry jam, topped off with sausage rolls and, as dessert, ice-cream with cabbage and broccoli.

Red: 'Let's do her ironing.'

Act III

Scene I

Afterwards, the pair, slightly breathless and dishevelled from all their hard work, decide to go walkabout for a while and cool themselves off in a nearby stream where they can dive off a tree trunk that lies athwart the current into the clean green depths of the waters below.

Scene II

 Unfortunately, a midget called John Little has had the same idea, and is 'standing his ground' on the log when they arrive, waving his 'staff' threateningly and making hissing noises between what teeth it has.

John Little: `I`m John Little. You shall not pass.`

 Robin, unperturbed, simply grabs the midget's 'stave' and, holding him up by it, casts the squealing pint-sized small fry into some  prickly thorns growing on the bank of the beck, where whooping and hollering, cursing and crying out, the tiny irritant is a disturbance to their enjoyment and Red, annoyed beyond all bearing, begins to throws river rocks at the offensive bush while the strains of the Australian heavy metal band AC/DC`s single `Hard As A Rock` from the recording studio album, Ballbreaker (1995), is heard drowning out the midget`ssounds of pain and protest until they cease forever.

Scene III

The Fart, Trya Fuck:'Hola! Stop that girlie!'

 A voice comes from the trees at the other side of the rushing waters, and a fat tonsured monk ambles out into a clearing where, huffing and puffing, he continues.

The Fart, Trya Fuck:'Or I'll blow your house down; oh,sorry, wrong fairytale, how about, in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Sox, I command you to cease and desist this unseemly behaviour.'

Robin: 'Are you talking about Red's socks that have 'made in Boston' tatooed on their instep,or is it something to do with the stoning of the midget? Noone will miss it, you know? Besides, it was stopping us from enjoying ourselves.'

Scene IV

 Red in her room at home examining her socks that have `made in Boston` on the instep.

Scene V

 Flashforward to the present again and the post midget scenario.

The Fart, Trya Fuck:'What midget? I`m the Fart, Trya Fuck. I'm talking about the 'no nude  bathing' signs positioned at strategic points all about the river bank and inside the river as well as written up there in sky writing.`

 Trya Fuck points downwards at the reed-concealed array of green lightbulbs from Woolworth's beaming up the confusing message 'nude bat' and upwards at a group of planes busily criss-crossing each other to write 'No nude bat' all over the previously unbroken cerulean imperiousness of the heavenly order.

The Fart, Trya Fuck:'it's a crime punishable by Sucking's Tool.'

 Trya Fuck fumbles about somewhere beneath his cassock and appears to be in some discomfort associated with the struggle to release his prize.

Robin: 'You mean Ducking Stool?'

The Fart, Trya Fuck: 'You can have that and I`ll have the other.'

Scene VI

 Trya Fuck picks a plank up from the long grass,balancing it on a log near the bank, so that one end sinks into the rippling waves, while the other sticks up in the air at an angle of 45 degrees;

'I saw Esau sitting on a see saw,

I saw Esau withmy girl,

I saw Esau sitting on a see-saw,

Giving her the merry whirl,

I saw Esau, 'e saw me,

I saw red as 'e saw more,

I got a chainsaw and I sawed Esau,

Haw-haw-haw-haw-haw-haw-haw!'

Scene VI

 Robin, strapped to one end of the ducking stool, faces the back of Red who, strapped to the other end on the bank, is facing Trya Fuck,who`s leering expansively, and jouncing up and down while making Robin's teeth and jaw jar and wrench alternately. Robin`s brain bounces around inside his skull like a pea in a baby's rattle as, eyes unable to focus, the Fart, Trya Fuck explains to him what`s going on.

Scene VII

 Cartoon of Robin with a skull like a baby`s rattle with his brain bouncing around inside it like a pea.

Scene VIII

The Fart, Trya Fuck: 'Your girlfriend, `Holy Sucks' was how you described her; wasn't it, Boy Wonder? Well, she's on the sucking stool end of the see-saw and you're on the ducking stool end; if she sucks, you won't go down; into the river, that is ...'

Trya Fuck leers expanisvely once more.

The Fart, Trya Fuck: `If she goes down, you won't - clear?'

 Without waiting for a response, the tonsured ogre pushes his feet hard against the ground. Robin closes his eyes tightly, expecting to plummet into the depths at any second. Fortunately, the Fart, Trya Fuck is so fat that his end of the see-saw remainsfirmly rooted to the river bank; it rising only a few meagre inches before leadenly dropping back into the grooved trench caused by the monk's huge bum.

Scene IX

Knight: 'Hola!'

 A voice from some other bushes, apart from the one the midget had gotten stoned in.

Red: `Is the midget still getting stoned?`

 The audience can see puffs of smoke.

 A Knight on a charger bearing the motif of Snow White comes galloping into the clearing, the legend MAP blazoned on the shield and a metre-long double-headed viking battle-axe in MAP`s hand, which he twirls aloft like a majorette's baton while he dismounts, before walking across to the fat Trya Fuck and bellowing.

MAP: 'Hola! It`s me, MAP!'

Once again Robin and Red watch impassively as the spinning battle-axe descends through the 'No nude bat' sky writing, rewriting the script as it does so, so that it reads 'The Fart, Trya Fuck, Not Allowed', and returns to Earth, lopping off the Fat Fucks head and burying itself weightily in the make-shift see-saw, catapulting Robin into the air where the knight catches him, hugs him, sits him down next to Red, cuts their bonds, gives them a full grin - and does his twinkling impishlything.

Robin: 'Who are you?'

 Wonderingly.

Red: 'Uh-huh,uh-huh.'

 Red goo-eyes him.

MAP: 'I'm you from the far past that is the future that is present always,come to rescue you in your hour of direst direness – loik.'

 MAP chortles.

MAP: 'Aren't you the least bit grateful?'

Robin: 'Thanks.'

Narrator: `Red improved.`

Red: 'Goo.'

MAP: 'Take care.'

 MAP leaps astride the horse.

MAP: `It`s charged to her Majesty Snow White - Have A Nice Day!'

 MAP digs his spurs deep into the flanks of the Pegasus, and shouts.

 MAP: 'Hey ho! Silver! Away!'

 MAP rockets skywards like a Hawker Harrier VTOL jet on the wings of the Pegasus, hovering only to write on the sky a last farewell missive, 'Fancy A Fuck?' - and is gone to the strains of US pomp rock band Bon Jovi`s `Have A Nice Day`from the album Have A Nice Day (2005).

Scene IX

 The strains of `Have A Nice Day` continue into a similar scene of a Harrier VTOL jet rocketing skywards by way of further illustration.

Narrator: `Red improved even further.`

Red: 'Gee.'

 Robin cunningly.

Robin: 'I was like that once.'

Red: 'Wasn't he a nice man?'

Narrator: `Red improved to the point of articulate speech.`

Robin: 'Just another Glory Hound.We both knew I'd turn up to free us, I'd arranged it with ourselves a long time ahead,you can thank me properly later when you get to be my wife, Snow White.'

Red: 'But I'm Little Red Riding Hood!

 She stamps her little foot nicely and looks beligerent.

Robin: 'Only till you lose those rosy cheeks. Now stop whining and have a bite of this apple I have in my rucksack.'

Red: 'I'll bite yours if you'll bite mine.'

 Red dimples cheekily.

Scene X

A voice screams from behind a tree just in the nick of time.

Chip `n: 'Hola!'

Robin: 'Oh no!It's Alan a' Dale's brother Chip 'n.I hope he hasn't brought Scarlet Willy the DVD victim along with him too.'

Red: 'He's a DVD victim?'

Robin: 'Yes, he's addicted to video discs, CDs featuring Sidhes, the elven folk humping themselvessilly on PCs, that is, Pixies, and pumping along with the action, which is why he`s called Scarlet Willy;doing it till the skin comes off.`

Red: 'And why don't you want to see Chip 'n?'

Narrator:`Red wants to meet both of them - of course.`

Robin: 'He's a computer addict, thinks if he stays too long away from the screen he'll lose his connection with something he calls 'Cosmo' who, according to Chip 'n, keeps linking him up to different programs without his permission, so he's wandering about the forest now trying to find someone who'll help him with the software he wants; someone like you probably.'

Red lies unconvincingly.

Red: 'Ooh,how...er...distasteful!'

Scene XI

A voice squeals out of the herbiage and DVD victim Scarlet Willy appears, wearing what appears to be a red velvet codpiece. Standing alongside him, but slightly to the rear, a shadowier figure, head cocked perpetually to one side, as if expecting instructions or expected unexpected expectations. This figure remains in all scenes with Scarlet Willy shadowily moving when he moves and going where he goes. It`s the DVD virus.

Scarlet Willy: 'Hola too!'

Red squeaks in her turn standing up and opening her cape.

Red: 'Are you naked?'

Scarlet Willy: 'No.'

Scarlet adjusts his codpiece stagely.

Chip `n: 'Nice piece of software, how much Robin?'

 Robin stoically.

Robin: 'Not for sale at any price,how much've you got?'

Chip `n: 'How about six Sidhes and a Pixie?'

Robin: 'Two blondes, two redheads, a brunette, and a black.'

Chip `n: 'Black girl or black-haired?'

Robin: 'One Afro-American, one French, one Chinese, one Russian, one Indian (sub-continental) and one Japanese. The Pixie has to be a Thai boy.'

Chip `n: 'Okay, it's a deal.Six CDs to play with your PC.'

Robin: 'Just joking.Red stays with me.'

Red: 'Mmf and pfui!'

 Red grumbles rebelliously.

Scarlet Willy: 'Scuse, I need to use a DVD virus buster on my codpiece, because I`m not picking anything up on the headset.`

So saying Willy takes the headphones out of his ears and unplugs the jack from his codpiece before leaping fully clothed into the nearest limpid green pool. His shadow, the DVD virus, hesitates with his toe in the pool before it also leaps in. The waters are instantly stained red and all the fish are poisoned, turning belly sideup ...

Scene XIII

 A cartoon of the fish floating miserably downstream in despondent droves, helpless to escape the nets of the fishmeal factory's fishermen who, usually employing dynamite to achieve the same stunning results, which in retro we see, now put their TNT back in their pockets and the fish into the barrels already ready and waiting. Trucks are then seentaking the fish in the barrels to the plant that will grind them up tomake animal fodder.

 Scene XII

 A further short cartoon in a complete different style in which fish are fed to animals who die and are then fed to animals who die. Scarlet Willy`s shadow watches silently.

 Robin decisively.

Robin: 'Time we were getting off.'

Red: 'Oo-er!'

 Red giggles.

Robin:  'Want to come Chip 'n?'

 Chip 'n doesn't even deign to respond, but simply cocks his head on one side, and sticks his finger in his ear.

Chip `n: 'Ting-a-ling-a-loo.'

 Chip `n cocks one eye at the sky, and one at the space between his legs, which is difficult to do, and so SFX must be relied upon to provide `movie magic` similar to those joke shop specs that have eyeballs that bounce out of their frames on springs and can look both ways at once.

 Chip `n: 'Led Zeppelin`s Houses of the Holy, 'The Ocean', `Nah nah na na na na na nah, nah nah na na na na na, nah nah na na na na na, nah nah na na na na na... and thanks Cosmo.'

 Scene XIII

 Everyone stands in amazement as twin goldenhaired and naked rock nymphs clamber out of the water and begin sunning themselves innocently on some boulders by the riverbank.

Chip `n: 'Nice software,how much?'

Robin: 'You're a right nana;let's go Red.'

Act IV

Scene I

 Together Red and Robin dressbefore settingoff down the rustic track that will take them to the home of Little Red Riding Hood, which can be seen a long way off with its spires and towers and flag with her picture on it. They've gone quite a long way before they`re interrupted again, which is a great pity from Red's point of view who`s managed to get as far as holding onto one of Robin's sleeves and staring longingly into his left ear occasionally.

Scene II

The voice of a black-bearded giant that Red had taken for some kind of underpass of the Spaghetti Junction variety near Birmingham, U.K., thunders.

Giant: 'Hola! Have you anything to share with me?!'

Whether it is a question or a command is hard to tell.

Giant: 'If you have, I'll just take it away from you!`

The Giant then declares in a low reasonable tone.

Giant: And you can travel on unmolested until you have something else I want.'

Robin: 'That's completely unreasonable.`

Giant: `Look, I'm trying to be a reasonable man here.'

 Robin whispers to Red.

Robin: 'It's the 'Share if', letme deal with it.'

 Red whispers softly back.

Red: 'Okay,I have nothing anyway.'

Robin: 'That's what he is, the 'Share if' of Nothingham, it's a town near here where nobody has anything because they had to 'share it' with him.'

 Robin jerks a thumb upwards at where he presumes the giant's head might be and, taking Red, much to her delighted surprise, by the hand, dashes headlong between the giant's legs, breaking the tiny-tots world 200 metres record in the process -at least for the three-legged race.

Scene III

Grainy film of a tiny-tots three-legged race at a kindergarten with wildly ridiculous scenes of cheering parents and the winners being carried about like the FA Cup.

Scene IV

 The giant, perplexed by this sudden move, turns its head around rather too quickly for its own good and, suddenly feeling a bit dizzy, topples over backwards, its shadow hurtling towards our terrified heroine and hero like a dark cloud of misfortune, until suddenly there`s a huge crash and a burst of brilliant sunshine and they`re free of the darksome forest, the giant 'Share if' lying stilled and broken in their wake and the door of Red's mum's house opening invitingly before them, her grandmother sitting knitting on a bench at a garden table waving at them.

 Grandma III: 'Hola! Thank you for doing the ironing.'

Red`s mother is there looking quietly and thoughtfully out of her black little eyes in her round little face bearing a tray of delicious pastries and sweetmeats, while her father and brother, folding and unfolding their arms, and looking at one another as if not knowing what to make of anything anymore(it was all so unpredictable), cry in unison.

 Mum, dad, bro`: 'Hola!'

They sit down together on a bench in the furthest part of the garden as if hopeful that this is all they'll be required to do for a good while yet.

Robin: 'Hola!'

 Robin,feeling a bit embarassed at the sight of this huge throng of people, is edging his way back in the direction of the wood that was his home.

Red: 'Hola!'

Red grabs onto his sleeve and throws him over the hedge and into the garden.

Red: 'See what I found in the forest!'

Dad: 'Can he speak or is he just going to lie there?'

Robin: 'Nnnff!'

Robin garbles, a mouthful of soil preventing him from contributing to the discussion.

Red: 'Notmuch,but he knows how to flatten a mouse with a rock.'

 Grandma wisely.

Grandma II: 'Anyone who doesn't like computers can't be all  bad.'

Scene V

 Flashforward to Robin flattening a computer mouse with a rock before taking it proudly to show Red with all of its wires and chips and whatnot hanging out of it.

 Red: `Ho-la!`

Scene VI

Flashback to the present and Dad talking in a worried fatherly way.

Dad: 'He's just a young hood, isn't he?'

Red: 'So'm I.We were made for each other, don't you think?'

Scene VII

 The reluctant suitor, Robin, is dreaming. In his dream an escape plan involving a moonlight elopement,a rapid exchange of rings under the unholy auspices of The Fart, Trya Fuck, and a flight out of the county of Nothinghave and its policies. There`a a nightmarish scene in which the Nothinghaves iterate their basic political ideology in a surrealist crowd encounter with Robin as the bear placards withe the slogan, `If you share we'll let you live, but if you don't we won't!` and the echoing repeat of their refrain until Robin wakes up sweatfully in his bed.

Nothinghaves: 'If you share we'll letyou live, but if you don't we won't!'

Act V

Scene I

Red kindly.

Red: 'Let's share our love with each other.'

 Red props the coughing, spluttering and drooling Robin up against the fence amongst the rhododendrons where noone can see what they are doing.

Robin: 'If - '

 Robin gurgles, spits and wretches a few times before vomiting bits of garden onto Red`s smock.

Red: 'Are you circumcised?'

Robin: 'At birth, I had a terrific whang but the doctors thought it would make me 'too cocky by half,' and worrying my mother about what the neighbours would think of her having a son with a humungous whang, they chopped it in half.`

Scene II

 Doctors` consult amidst a bustling patients` surgery while a small figure can be seen wrapped in swaddling clothes inside some form of baby carriage or other almost buried beneath the burden weighing upon him.

Scene III

 Hospital medicos earnestly discussing the small figure that can again be seen wrapped in swaddling clothes inside some form of baby carriage or other, and who is almost buried beneath the burden weighing upon him.

Scene IV

 Surgery being performed upon the small burdened figure wrapped in swaddling clothes and almost buried beneath the weight of it.

Scene V

The small figure seen wrapped in swaddling clothes inside some form of baby carriage or other crying softly.

Red: 'And thereby hangs a tail, who killed cocky Robin?'

Robin murmurs, caressing Red`s hair, lips, cheeks, and cheeks higher up and ... cheeks lowered down.

Narrator: `And cheeks higher up and cheeks lowered down. And cheeks higher up and cheeks lowered down.`

 The strains of `Physical` by Australian singer, Olivia Newton John, from the record album, Physical (1981), are heard as Red tenses and relaxes her buttock flesh so that it appears they`re going up and down beneath Robin`s hands.

Robin: 'Who killed Robin's cock?At least they didn't castrate me too.'

Red: 'Have you heard the AC/DC CD 'Ballbreaker'?'

 Red glances sideways at him.

Robin: 'No.'

Red: 'Good,and you never will, I promise.'

Narrator:`Robin presses lips to hers, which are firmly shut too, and will remain that way till she's licked him into marriageable shape.`

Scene III

 Robin presses his lips to hers, which are firmly shut.

1 Burns, Robert `To A Mouse` in Poems and Songs (1909-14),The Harvard Classics, # 76, l.1.

 Soundtrack

 Little Red And Robin Riding

1 `O Fortuna` (1966) Carl Orff, from Carmina Burana, canata [1937] conducted by Rafael Fruhbeck de Burgos, and performed by The New Philharmonia Orchestra and Chorus, EMI Records

2 `I Saw Esau` (1956) The Ames Brothers, RCA Victor

3 `Batman Theme` (1966) Neil Hefti, from 20th Century Fox`s Batman and Robin for ABC TV, RCA Victor Records

4 `Ting A Ling A Loo` (1971) Benny Hill, from Words and Music, Columbia Records

5 `The Ocean` (1973) Led Zeppelin, from Houses Of The Holy, Atlantic Records

6 `Physical` (1981) Olivia Newton John, from Physical, MCA Records

7`Venus` (1986) Bananarama, from True Confessions, London Records

8 `Hard As A Rock` (1995) AC/DC, from Ballbreaker, Epic Records

9 `Have A Nice Day` (2005) Bon Jovi, from Have A Nice Day, Island Records

10 `One Brown Mouse` (2007) Jethro Tull, from The Acoustic Jethro Tull, EMI Records

JustFiction! Edition, March 2019