Supramazonic

Act 1

Scene 1

It`s Space Marine Central and a rostrum in front of a proscenium with the serried ranks of the SMs seated in an auditorium listening to a presentation. There are two main characters on stage, a Chinese delegate of indeterminate sexual orientation, Dr Lu, hereafter referred to by indeterminate pronouns, and an interpreter who also offers explcation as to the meaning and subsance of the content of the delegate from the Chinese Mazone corporation`s speech. The delegate from Mazone drones on in front of a promotional display with the logo of the Mazone SMs prominent. The Mazone delegate is oblivious to the torpidity of hir battered and beleaguered listeners tired of defending themselves against the indubitable wealth of informatical riches contained within the technical impenetrability of what the envoy is maneuvering to express. The Chinese accent is magnified for the sake of the humor implicit in the tendency of the speaker to reverse the `l` and the `r` in speaking. Like Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther film and its subsequent avatars, who refers to somebody`s wife as his `whiff`. In Hungarian a woman`s breasts are `az mell`, and so the confusion caused by language can be funny. Here the Chinese accent is a source of fun, because it is.

Dr Lu: '...it is the atmosphele cleated that detelmines the envilonmentar conditions, so how do we ploduce the desiled atmosphele?'

Interpreter: Since the 'Breakthrough', psycho-physical bisexuality has been the 'norm' among the Mazonic Confederacy. The delegate doesn`t seriously expect to get a response and, 'carrying on regardless', will continue if he remains uninterrupted. What the representative of the Chinese Mazone corporation is expressing is the self evident truth that environment determines behavior, sexo-social and psycho-physical.

A voice near to the rostrum asks a question in simple-yet-majestic tones.

Voice: 'If you're anything to go by, it's created by talking out of one's ass.'

The drama has a narrator`s voice who is heard at intervals during the course of the events smoothing the path of the dramatization as a voice dubbed onto the action.

Narrator: `Bluntness was a technique praised above all other communicative skills by the rank-and-file grunts at Space Marine Central and MAP's forthright utterance was a resounding success in the sense that, behind his back, the hall erupted in a display of riotous enthusiasm for the man they'd elected to be the unofficial 'Priestking' of the 'Unholy Orders'. As such he now has to justify his impoliteness to an honoured guest of the 'Brotherhood'.

A view of the audience erupting in a display of riotous enthusiasm.

MAP: 'Please accept my humblest apologies Dr.Lu, I was only trying to galvanize my fellow colleagues and attract their attention on your behalf.'

Dr. Lu: 'A crevel tactic sil, but I'm quite certain an entilery unnecessary one. I plide myserf on the stimurating chalactel of my lhetolic.'

MAP: 'Yes, indeed. I doubt not its...effectiveness -'

The observation is accompanied by the sound of muffled laughter and an irrepressible heckler hidden somewhere amid the throng obviously representing the all-girl A-Mazone Order.

A-Mazone: ' – representing the all-girl A-Mazone Order, this character is rather proud of her ability as, pardon my French, le pétomane!`

The feisty thing to whom the voice belonged revealed that she also possessed an extraordinary litheness of body too. Pirouetting upon the seat of her chair she made an 'A',  lifted the leather flap concealing her pertly provocative derriére, parted the cheeks of her exposed buttocks with both hands - and farted out a song by singer, Rosemary Clooney, `Come On-A My House` (1951) from the album Come On-A My House, complete with words as well as tune.

A-Mazone: `Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give you everything, everything, everything.`

MAP`s laughter is muted because of his amused recollecting with not a little bemusement, a line that ran 'Come on-my-house, my house a come on,` but which has a different sound to the listener.

MAP: 'Come on uh my ass, my ass uh come on.'

MAP turns, stands on his own chair.

MAP: `Always happy to oblige a lady.`

MAP farts out the tune `In The Mood` (1940) by an Old Terran robot ensemble, Big-Bandleader Glenn Miller, which appeared in the movie Sun Valley Serenade (1941), along with `Chatanooga Choochoo` by Miller`s big band orchestra.

A-Mazone: `First phase of the courting ritual over, a popular ditty currently taking the nine planets by storm, and about to break in both Cygnusian and Polluxian systems simultaneously, 'Venusian Fever Lust'.

The girl indicates her continuing interest by farting from the album My Everything, the tune and words of `Break Free` (2014) sung by Ariana Grande.

A-Mazone: `You were better, deeper. I was under your spell. Like a deadly fever, yeah, babe,

On the highway to hell, yeah.`

Narrator: `Venusian Fever Lust` was causing its songstress untold nights of nervousness due to the stress and strains of having to learn the lyrics for a concert tour in which only about 30% of the audiences could understand Galactic Standard.`

Scene 2

The songstress not alone in bed in her bedroom. She doesn`t seem to be nervous.

Singer: `Si!`

Scene 3

MAP is giving his ears over to the Chinese expert on the lostlum.

Dr Lu: 'Alchitectularry speaking, wolship is an omniplesent human tlait, we find evidence of stluctules lerating to the petitioning or parriating of valious folms of deity or deities in arr epochs or elas.'

MAP: 'But they're useless in terms of atmospheric usage, aren't they? Their deities are long dead - as is the numinosity surrounding their places of worship.

MAP continued, pressing home his point.

Dr Lu: 'Of coulse, but it's possibre to leactivate the ord conditions using oul knowredge of ancient alchitectules and, in the spilit of the ancients, cleate new folms - even buirding upon the ord in some cases - to not onry lecleate the essence of the past, but arso to, a sit wele, visit or cleate the futule of (and out of) the past as it is pleselved fol us in myth, role, symbor and stone. But not onry that. If we can lecleate the past and cleate the futule using these techniques, then it shourd be possibre to access - glanting the hypothesis that some notabre cleations in stone and alt ale or lathel wele, ol even, pelhaps wirr be.'

Dr Lu paused significantly for some reason most of those gathered couldn't figure out.

Voice: `I can`t figure out why Dr Lu paused significantly and neither can most of those gathered here.`

Dr Lu: 'The ploducts of aerien visitols from dimensions/civirizations taking an intelest in oul deveropment - the pasts, futules and ... psyches of those ... el ... intelested parties.'

MAP: 'A kind of psychic archaeology, but building upon the remains of the past to create or ...`

MAP himself pauses significantly, and all eyes turn on him - for significant pauses in MAP's case are treated by the Orders as preludes to revelation.

MAP: `... re-create ...`

Nods, knowing looks and winks from uncomprehending eyes greeting this particular Oracle.

MAP: `... as well as create the future ... er ... with all its possibilities.`

Affirmative glances, nods, bold stares etc., from faces showing total incomprehension and bewilderment.

Dr Lu: 'Exactry sil.'

Dr Lu made a passing movement with his hand and, following the looping path of the Architekton's gesticulations, something suggested itself to MAP`s mind and he came to a decision.

MAP: `You know something of the 'making and shaping' magic associated with the fractile geomancers of Chaos VII in the Gandalphian sector of the Magellanic Cloud?`

Dr Lu is somewhat diffident.

Dr Lu: 'We shourd speak fulthel.'

MAP made a suggestion of his own.

MAP: 'Absolutely, and if I may invite our friend from the A-Mazones, we might be able to explain to her some of the finer points of etiquette and hospitality.`

Dr Lu: 'An admilabre idea, and one which I would be mole than happy to assist in herping to learise. What say we - I won't say abandon - the seminal and, ret's say, legloup in more plivate sulloundings?

The visiting professor cocks an eye at the A-girl.

MAP: Madame?'

Act 2

Scene 1

The foyer of the hotel Conference Centre where MAP and Lu are arriving in the vestibule from the conference taking place at Space Marine Central. The decor is 24th century `Lesbian` with suitable descriptive artwork. A young woman is awaiting their appearance and begins to introduce herself and their program.

Rosewine: 'Shamanist-A-Maisie Rosewine' ready, willing and able to perform the occasional miracle, reporting for duty.'

The glad-eyed redhaired damsel raises two fingers in mock rebuke/salute, places thumb and forefinger together to signify 'A-okay', points pointedly with her pointing finger at  the space between her legs and two veteran spacers - MAP and Lu - follow her out of the hotel's Conference Centre and into Reception.

Scene 2

Rosewine welcomes them both with a wriggle of her hips and a laugh of not-too-surprised amusement as both her suitors, holding room keys in their hands after obtaining them from the receptionist amongst the Lesbian inspired architecture, glance enquiringly in her direction.

Rosewine: 'I have my own suite, you can come up in about half-an-hour after I've refreshed and changed into something more suitable.`

MAP arched an eyebrow mock interrogatively.

MAP: 'Okay, we've a couple of things to  discuss before we get down to more...er...serious business.'

Rosewine: 'Fine with me.'

A-Girl Maisie turned, heading for the 'chute', trying to look back invitingly, first over one shoulder, then the other, offering herself to the two simply rather than provocatively. Lu says something under hir breath, rather than to anyone.

Dr Lu: 'Shamanista Losewine, a gilr aftel my own healt.'

MAP  watched the 'chute' doors close.

MAP: 'More like your wallet. So you are one of the Chaocian magi?'

Dr Lu: 'How did you guess?'

MAP:  'Well, your gestures on the rostrum revealed your knowledge of 'maker and shaper' movements, so I decided to cultivate your interest in Shamanista Rosewine and maybe learn a trick or two myself.'

Dr Lu: 'Crevel, vely crevel. Magic, of coulse, is mole scientific nowadays.'

MAP: 'Of course, as one great science fiction writer of Old Terra once said, 'Any sufficiently advanced science is indistinguishable from magic.'

The mage laughed inscrutably.

Dr Lu: 'Natularry, I think we can teach you a thing ol...two?'

MAP: 'Please do. It's what I want.'

Dr Lu: 'Oh, do you wand, too?'

MAP: 'No, I want to.'

Dr Lu: 'You want two?'

MAP: 'Yes, I want too.'

Dr Lu: 'Werr, hele you ale  then.'

The mage reached into the folds of hir voluminous green and black cloak and, bringing out two pencil thin tranceiver wands, placed them like cigars in the breast pocket of MAP's dinner jacket.

Dr Lu: 'We'rr show you how to use them. Arr you have to do is say 'what you wand.'

MAP: 'Say what I want?'

Dr Lu: 'Saying and sperring are ringuistic apperations but, put simpristicarry, filst you sperr - the wand does that - then you 'say', that is, a  visuarisation plocess often accompanied with speech - it's the atmosphele that's impoltant - but that's not necessaly, and -hey plesto! - you get what you wand.`

MAP: 'Gotcha! I get what I wand!'

Dr Lu: 'Interrigence  is impoltant, but not palamount, fol exampre, if you know a rot about mythorogy ol the diffelent berief systems, that is, the Egyptian myth of Osilis ol the Sefiloth of the Kabbarah in Judaism, then it's possibre for you to access that 'magicar' system to ploduce cooldinated effects associated with that system's lules and lewalds, but if you just want the ratest cal it's melery a 'wishing' exelcise.`

MAP: 'All this would involve the 'many worlds' theory.'

Dr Lu: 'Yes, the wand is capabre of invoking any of the possibirities within which anothel Ord Tellan scifi writel once raberred the 'murtivelse'.`

MAP: 'You mean alternate realities?'

Dr Lu: 'Not quite. Physicists discovered that human consciousness affects learity to the extent that 'what we see is what we get', that is, if we can change oul minds, as it wele, it's possible fol us to entel palarrer univelses whethel they be fictionar ol what we think of as 'learity'. In sholt, arr possibre wolrds exist. We just have to 'say' to the wand whele we want to go.'

MAP: 'I don't understand the mechanics of all this.'

Dr Lu: 'Werr, if you can imagine a stleam of erectlons being filed at a warr, you wourd expect them to allive at the warr in loughry the same alea - and they do. But, and this is the impoltant point, if we watch them, they choose flom a prethola of diffelent ways to leach that same spot on the warr, that is, each particre is palt of a 'plobabirity wave' which offels a murtiprex of coulse changes collesponding to what we think of as artelnate learities or ... er ... fictuarities.'

MAP: 'You mean that, if I want to visit C.S. Lewis' Narnia or J.R.R. Tolkein's 'Middle Earth' allI have to do is 'wave' my 'wand'.

Dr Lu: 'Plecisery.You might have to conjule up the light atmosphele by leading a rittre or thinking about what you want, but essentiarry you'le collect; apalt from the fact that it's lathel the 'wand' that 'waves' you, that is, its 'magic' artels the comprexity of the wave folm that is you in oldel to faciritate youl access to a celtain facet of the murtivelse.'

MAP: 'Sounds fantastic.'

Dr Lu: 'It celtainry, rather than plobabry ol possibry, is.'

MAP: 'Well, let's find Shamanista Rosewine and see if she'll wave our magic wands for us.'

Dr Lu: 'I don't think she'rr be abre to waive this.'

Dr Lu unbuttoned hir dress shirt to reveal the head of a penis nestling comfortably between hir not inconsiderable breasts.

MAP: 'I see you work out.'

Dr Lu: 'Oh, there's mole to the Geomancels of Chaos than the equations of fractire geometly, you know.'

MAP:  'I do.'

Dr Lu: 'Then you should arso know that, just as the archemists of Ord Tella wele wont to depict the penis as a 'magic wand', so it was discoveled that 'wanding' ol usage of that palticural instrument of sexuarity has a 'magicar' effect equivarent to that of the tlanceiver with legald to a few speciar individuars - youlserf maybe.'

MAP: 'Well, I'll try anything once or ... multitudinousry.'

Dr Lu: 'Are you speaking metapholicarry or murtivelsarry?'

MAP: 'As a colleague of mine once said, 'Metaphallically speaking.'

Dr Lu: 'Thele ale no coincidences in the Murtivelse - all is synchlonisticarry adapted.'

MAP: 'Well, let's see if we can plug into our adaptor.'

Dr Lu: 'Thele's no joke in what you say MAP. The mare/femare synthesis which the Tantric sex yogis advocate is an integlal palt of 'wanding'. It is necessaly, without the magic of the tlanceiver wand, for Shamanista Losie to act as an adaptor/channer fol the frow of our enelgies, that is, to focus upon the dilection we wish fol in telms of murtivelsar access.'

MAP: 'Can't we just wank?'

Dr Lu: 'When I was a chird, we had a chirdrlen's saying in the prayglound, 'wanking makes you bonny', which is a collupted velsion of a rongel nursely lhyme in which '...the chird that is boln on the Sabbath Day is bonny and brithe and good and gay.' The wolrd 'Bonny' meaning 'pletty to rookupon'. Rater stirr, howevel, I learised that the schoor lhyme lefelled to the One King [that] makes you bo(w [the] knee)ny, that is, God.'

MAP: 'Who, of course, frowns on masturbation and sex-before-marriage.'

Dr Lu: 'Not quite. He, or lather She, flowns on 'adurtely' or sex inside malliage with othel paltnels - don't ask me why, I don't know. But the message is creal. Sex is magic and its powel shourdn't be abused.'

MAP: 'Um, well, let's think about that after we've had our little interview with Maisie.'

Dr Lu: 'Jovian acolns.'

MAP: 'Huh?'

Dr Lu: 'It's an expression I picked up on one of the moons alound Jupitel; it means 'arlight, well then'...'

Act 3

Scene 1

The hotel suite of rooms where Rosewine is staying at the hotel. MAP and Lu enter the suite of rooms bidden by Rosewine from the intercom by the door where Dr Lu presses the CCTV monitored bell and receives the automated LED response from the display screen, `WELCOME ON IN`.

Scene 2

MAP: `Shamanista Rosewine has prepared.`

Dr Lu: `Magicarry plobabry, or possibry ol armost celtainry.`

Scene 3

MAP and Lu enter the suite of rooms she's obtained for herself as she's about to take a shower. Flipping off the bathrobe, she parades before them.

MAP: `Like one of the showgirls I sometimes visit in their dressing cubicles at the 'EYE LUST 2' nightclub on Satyricon XII.`

Act 4

Scene 1

MAP is seen visiting one of the showgirls in their dressing cubicles at the 'EYE LUST 2' nightclub on Satyricon XII. The camera observes him entering the nightclub with the obvious allurments and the sign EYE LUST 2 above the entranced way.

Scene 2

The camera eye shows MAP watching something like `Lady Marmalade`, the movie about the French Moulin Rouge (2001) dance theater, which stars Nicole Kidman and features the song, although the showgirls` performance here is similar to the dance number featuring Christian Aguilera.

Scene 3

Finally, the denouement in which MAP is seen wearing a clown`s suit and playing the saxophone while the woman sits watching in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. The clown is playing one of the variations on a theme from `Scheherezade` and balloons keep emergng from his ears and popping.

Act 5

Scene 1

MAP is still impressed upon discovering that the androgynous Dr Lu is a hermaphroditic futanarian human with `woman`s seed`.

MAP: 'Would you care to join me in a champagne shower?'

Dr Lu looks wonderingly.

Dr Lu: 'What ale we celeblating?'

MAP is demanding.

'Who cares?'

Rosie reappears from the direction of the shower presumably because she`s pointedly refreshed in jeans and T-shirt.

Rosewine: 'Who cares wins'.

MAP grumbles.

MAP: 'Okay, but I like to know the reason for my partyin' that's all.`

Rosewine: 'We're celebrating my engagement.'

Dr Lu: 'Oh, conglaturations Ms Maisie! Who's the rucky spacel?'

Rosewine: 'Thank you Dr Lu! I don't know yet. MAP is my type. An action man. But you have that indefinable quality that girls die for.'

Dr Lu: 'No suicidar tendencies prease! I`m Chinese not Japanese.'

Rosewine: 'None to speak of. Well, gentlemen - ?'

Dr Lu: ' - I'm not a man, deal. The collect folm whele I hair flom is 'magentren'.'

Rosewine: 'Well, genital folk, and magentlan. Do you want me - or not! I want you to wand me.'

MAP mused.

MAP: 'Isn't that a song by an Old Terran band called Cheap Trick?'

Rosewine:Touché! But it`s `I Want You To Want Me` from the album In Color (1977), although it is Japanese, not Chinese in spirit, `Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying.'

MAP: `I think it`s a cheap trick to turn humanity into a snuff movie zoo, because the Japanese want us all to die.`

Lu affirms.

Dr Lu: 'I want to wand you.'

MAP is suddenly decisive.

MAP: 'I want you to wand me.`

Dr Lu: `I wand myserf. But it`s plojection city. I`m brind to what goes on, because the anti-olgasm reague use humans as a snuff mirr. It`s a sex fantasy in which the olgasm is the ploducer and the actol is kept brind so that he can`t see his imagination being snuffed out.`

Shamanista observed drily.

Rosewine: 'Impressive. I think Dr Lu wins by hir head. Hir meaning is that, having removed the penis of woman`s seed, of which she is a handsome representative, the Japanese turned the Earth into a manufactured single male brained creature wearing each others` clothes as a transvestite TV, which meant that everyone was a projection of the aliens` desire to exterminate us.`

Dr Lu: `I don't think we'rr bothel with that shower aftel arr – I don't mind a holny sweaty gilr, that is.'

MAP: 'We can stand it. I think I'm unanimous in that.'

Maisie pouted poutily.

Rosewine: 'It's all getting a bit cerebral for my liking, are we going to make magic or not?'

MAP: 'What kind of magic shall we make Doc?'

Dr Lu: 'What's youl favoulite peloiod in histoly?'

MAP: 'None. But I'm a fan of old sci-fi.'

Dr Lu: 'Me too. How about Asimov's  'lobot' yalns?'

MAP: 'Looking good. How about you Rosie?'

Rosewine: 'I'm game.'

MAP: 'Okay, after a tart`s head. We`ll hunt you down and kill you. A head`s tart. After all, according to Japanese game theory, the human race is just a projection. Get running. But first let`s bind your feet in true Japanese fashionista style, so that we can stroll after you. Okay, it`s Queen of Hearts, let's eat a tart!'

Game Master MAP claps his hands laughing like a Japanese system`s analyst.

Act 6

Interesting positions from the point of view of a behavioural psychologist.

Scene 1

Rosewine sucking on the Doc's redstick. Because of cinema conventions it has to actually be a red stick.

Scene 2

Rosewine`s butterfly-like fingers fluttering delicately over the magentlan's breasts. Because of cinematic taboos they`re a pair of rubber comedy breasts attached to a plastic love doll.

Scene 3

Dr Lu playing on the shaft of hir penis with a clarinetist's virtuousity. Because of cinematic censorhsip the penis is actually a clarinet although Dr Lu sits asitride it with a deal of virtuousity and romantic finger play.

Scene 4

Rosewine sitting on MAP's 'wizard's staff', riding up and down. Although it`s a wizard`s staff and Rosewine is riding it, because of the cinema`s hatred for women`s penis` semen, the effect is of a witch astride a handle without a brush, but the symbolism is obvious.

Scene 5

Unsatiated but fully saturated with sweat the three are finally seen collapsed in a tangle of limbs, hair, bedclothes and frustration.

MAP ventures.

MAP: 'What say we hit the street and see if our conjuring has abracadabra'd anything for us?'

The Doc flatly states.

Dr Lu: 'I want two Phoenicians.'

MAP: 'I don't remember there being any Phoenicians in Tolkien`s The Hobbit (1937) featuring the wizard Gandalf, or C.S. Lewis` Narnia.'

Dr Lu: 'None at arr. You'le quite light. But Rewis was wliting an arregoly, a veired seclet, the tluth of which halks back to the lace that ploduced those led-hailed Gleek heloes Agamamnon and Meneraus, the enemies of Palis whose passion fol theil sistel Heren red to the farr of Tloy.The Phoenicians wele an immoltar lace chalactelized by theil hail corouling and a certain animaristic interrigence that red to theil being poltlayed in myth and regend as harf-human, harf-goatish cleatules commonry known as 'fauns', that is, a colluption, and a tluncation, which C.S. Rewis` Tumnus, who guides the Pevenise chirdlen in Nalnia is a replesentative of.'

The Doc continues half-apologetic, half-proud.

Dr Lu: 'Solly to be such a pedant. At any late, I want two of the led-hailed rittre devirs.'

Rosewine: 'Why fauns?'

Dr Lu: 'Fol theil stlaightfolwaldness and aglessivery sexuar appetites, to be stlaightfolwald and aglessive about my sexuar appetites.'

MAP: 'And how do you propose to obtain these delectable creatures?'

Dr Lu: 'Uncleations, to be mole plecise, the Phoenicians wele not, regend has it, cleated by God.They ale, as it wele, ple-existent in telms of the Cleation.'

MAP: 'Before Eden you mean?'

Dr Lu: 'Ret's just say that, befole God cleated man, he made  a few rittre expeliments and arrow me to lefel you to the regend of Ririth in the Galden, a snakerike femare cleatule with whom Adam is supposed to have had coitus befole the advent of Eve.'

MAP: 'And the obtaining of these homunculi?'

Dr Lu: 'I'rr demonstlate.'

With that, the good doctor extricated hirself from the entanglement and, having dressed, headed for the cool night air closely followed by hir two - though they strove to hide the fact from hir - now frantically curious companions.

Act 7

Scene 1

The three are standing on a nearby street corner, the Doc's entourage waiting expectantly while their mentor blows hard on hir fingers and flexes them frenetically to improve circulation and, as it turns out, dexterity. Leaning into the light wind, s/he faces the traffic passing by, observing the various logos, faces and number plates as s/he does so. After a while, we and hir see this on the side of a van: TELEPHONE SUPPLIES.

Dr Lu: 'One has to think symboricarry in these cases.'

The Doc is being informative.

Dr Lu: `Telepathy is palt of this plocess, I feal. 'Phone' probabry sounds enough  rike 'faun' to suggest we'le on the light tlack.'

Scene 3

A few minutes later, the flame-haired symbol of a she-devil appears in connection with some innocuous brand of cosmetics and, seconds later, the Doc, observing a car with the number FON 2, raises two fingers, giving a V-for-victory sign to the driver, then reverses the signal in that time-honoured Delta-of-Venus gesture suggesting readiness for sex. The creature inside the vehicle couldn`t readily be described as ass human. For the thing had no hair and scaley skin of a greenish hue. Leering expansively and using thumb and forefinger, it pointed in the direction of a medieval church some four hundred metres away.

Scene 4

The Doc enroute to the medieval church. Spurred on by hir apparent success, Dr Lu spins on hir heel and makes off at a fast clip towards the not-too-distant crenellated rectangle outlined in darker darkness against the darkening sky.

Scene 5

More minutes go by in unpremeditated unspoken consensual silence, noone wishing to break what might be the delicate fragility of their spellbinding when, suddenly, capering in front of the triumvirate, the other two having followed Dr Lu, appear two slight, mischievously smiling, laughing-eyed, fire-haired, diminutively buxom but-quite-evidently-female - fauns! The Doc, nodding at first one, then the other, leans forward slightly, crooks both arms at the elbow and, with feline alacrity and grace, the two immortals hook what might have been forepaws through the loops made for them by the Doc`s elbows and he, hands on hips, marches off accompanied by hir two new friends; pausing only to shout cheerily into the breeze.

Dr Lu: 'Arways wanted a mobire faun ol - two!'

MAP observes.

'Well, hirs happy enough, but what about us?'

Rosewine: 'Let's try wanding.'

MAP: 'I wand you.'

Rosewine: 'I know, but let's have some fun first. Show me yours and I'll show you mine - well, if I had one.'

MAP: 'Here, have one of mine.'

Rosewine: 'You have two? An ithyphallic man is hard to find these days.'

MAP: 'Metaphallically speaking?'

Rosewine: 'More than one 'wand' darling. Don't disturb yourself about it. Just press the green stud near the base of your plastic penis extension and make a wish.'

MAP: 'Like this?'

MAP held up his technological tool, and closed his eyes.

MAP: 'Mellon.'

Rosewine: 'Melon?' You want to eat? At a time like this?'

MAP: 'No, 'Mellon' was the elvish  word, meaning 'friend', that the wizard Gandalf had to 'say' in order to escape the 'Watcher in the lake' and enter the fabled silvermines of Moria in Tolkein's Lord of the Rings (1954-5). I'm trying to access Middle Earth and, in particular, Tom Bola territory.'

Rosewine: 'Tom Bola..?'

MAP: 'Patience my little sex bomb. 'Hola! Tom Bola! Tom Bola Dildo! With his green prophylactic and his pervy jello!!' I'd like to meet him - and his lady Merrymelons, a charming creature if I recall rightly.'

Rosewine: 'I'm sure, and with big fat knockers to boot I'd swear.'

MAP: 'Knock knock!'

Rosewine: 'Who's there?'

MAP: 'Tom.'

Rosewine: 'Tom who?'

MAP: 'Tomb.'

Rosewine: 'Tomb?'

MAP: 'Tomb it may concern.'

Rosewine: 'I don't get it.'

MAP: 'You will.'

MAP breathes the words; softly slipping to one side. Just slowly enough for Rosewine to follow his progress with her eyes and go after him.

Scene 6

Unerringly, as if by some preternatural instinct, MAP weaves his way amidst broken angels, unhaloed saints, crumbling statuary in various states of terminal decay depicting anything and everything from beheaded infants to befanged vampirellas, before disappearing from view down what turned out to be a twisting flight of stone steps leading to a rather noxious crypt in which appears to lie, atop a sarcophagous of weeping granite, a further example of the stonemasons` art in the shape of an armorless fatman wearing a dirty orangey coat and with a hat of some indeterminate hugh approaching blue because of the fungi on his chest.

MAP: 'Ho!' Who`s the fun guy on your chest?

The reply is hollow and echoey.

Tom: 'Ho! My hat, it`s a bit dust laden.`

Tom beats the dust off it and sits upright like a vampire.

Tom: `And who is it that disturbs the rest of Poor Tom and his lady fair? Speak, or I'll 'say'!'

MAP: `'Say' and I'll sing, Tom B.'

Tom: 'That's not me name. Me name's not Tommy. You can't leave here if'n you can't say me name.'

MAP: 'I know you Tom Bola Dildo!'

Tom: 'Ach! Me name. He knows me name. Curses. I'm bound to please. The gifts of hospitality are yours good sir - and madame? Ah! 'Tis a pleasure to behold a maiden other than Merrymelons tho' she be all the world to Poor Tom and that's God honest truth I tell ye.'

MAP: 'Cut the crap Tom. Save the Old English speel for the tourist trade. This is Rosewine -'

Tom: ' - Enchanted.'

MAP: 'Sorry to hear it.'

MAP hurries on.

MAP: 'Yes, well ... I have a business proposition -'

Tom: ' - Always happy to oblige a fellow entrepeneur.'

MAP: 'You? What..?'

Tom: 'Oh, we do a roaring trade in Silmarils, you know - those 'seeing' and 'saying' crystals, you 'see' and then you 'say'.'

MAP: 'We call them televisions.'

Tom: 'No razzamatazz. No magic tinglings.No...fun!'

MAP: 'Maybe so. Anyway, here's the deal. A fuck for a fuck. Me and Rosewine. You and Merrymelons.'

Tom: 'Done.'

MAP: 'And I will be, I know.'

Tom: 'Provided my lady likes thee mortal, and if she does I'll throw in a couple of crystal simulators - I mean Silmarils of course.'

MAP: 'At least technological terminology hasn't bypassed you Tombo. Okay, and we might be able to do something for you but, no promises and, speaking of something to do, where is the lovely Merrymelons?'

Tombola giggles maniacally.

Tom: 'Open the box. Open the box.'

Tom back-flips and somersaults cat-like onto the stone flagging.

MAP: 'Sure.'

MAP dared steps forward and easing aside the heavy coffin lid with hand and shoulder exposes palewhite flesh, scarlet hennaed hair and luminescent blue-white orbs shining piercingly into his own.

Tom: 'My nearly departed, quoth Tom, not dead, just sleeping, except when I wake her up for a little sexercise.'

Rosewine opines definitively.

Rosewine: 'You're a monster.'

Tom: 'And you're a victim of penis envy.'

Rosewine: 'I am not!'

Tom: 'You are so too!'

Rosewine: 'Aren't!'

Tom: 'Are!'

Rosewine: 'Aren't!'

MAP: 'Cool it guys. Just what is the situation here Tombo?'

Tom: 'Well, it's rather delicate actually. While tracing our genealogical heritage, Meri and I discovered that, genetically speaking, we're siblings, and now it's 'Sis-Tomb-Hah!'. She went into a coma - from which I periodically wake her, fuck her and tuck her up again; the doctor's say it's the best therapy, and I'm not going to disagree, she'd developed a tongue with a cutting edge. A filleting rather than a fellating mouth, one might justifiably say, in recent years and, truthfully, I prefer her this way.'

Rosewine: 'But it's necrofilial.'

Tom: 'Yes miss, but it's fun.'

MAP: 'Poor dick justice I suppose. Can't argue with that. My turn?'

Tom: 'Help yourself. She won't know. All the lights come on, but it's a nobody home scenario. Get the picture?'

MAP: 'Well developed.'

MAP reaches into the sepulchral chamber, hoists the occupant onto a brawny thigh and carries the lifeless lump over to a dingy corner of the crypt where gasps, sighs and groans ungraphically unequivocalized what was taking place.

Tom: 'My dear-'

Rosewine: ' - Button it buster. Penis envy my ass.'

Dr Lu: 'Mine does, I assure you -'

Rosewine: '- And if you think I'd let a necrotic necrophile like you anywhere near my neuroses, you're mistaken. Beat it Tubbo!'

Tom: 'Who do you think I am? The sixth Marx brother? Listen, gobble my goblin and I'll give you a prize.'

Rosewine: 'No dice.'

Tom: 'No way?'

Rosewine: 'Aw, you got me. If you say 'A' I have to play, it's the lore. How do you want it?'

Tom: 'Well, here on the floor.'

Rosewine: 'Jovian acorns.'

Tom: 'Eh?'

Rosewine: 'It rhymes.'

Act 8

Scene 1

The audience see Tom with his hat in his hands flying around a bedroom three times in his yellow coat, while Rosewine watches bemusedly hugging the bedsheets to herself. Tom parrots.

Tom: 'Polly put the kettle on, we'll all have tea. Polly put the kettle on, we'll all have tea. Polly put the kettle on, we'll all have tea.`

Scene 2

The protagonists are seated around a table having tea.Tom is offering.

Tom: 'Here are your silmarils.'

MAP: 'Thanks.'

Rosewine grins.

Rosewine: 'Me too.'

Tom: 'You enjoyed that?'

Rosewine: 'Sure. The part where you took your hat off, flew around the room three times saying ’’Polly put the kettle on, we'll all have tea.’’ It was the most unusual climax I've ever seen - and clean too.'

Tom looks a bit sheepish.

Tom: 'I'm glad you thought so,', 'I don't do that with just any old Tom's Dick, or Harry's.

Rosewine: 'And the proof of the pudding -'

Tom: ' - is in the gobbling. Thank you miss Maisie. May I present you with this as a token of our esteem?' It's a ring. Some nosey habbit, a psilocybin junkie, dropped asleep in that chair once and I substituted one of my own. The poor creature was quite mad I hear. Thought it could fight Sore Ron singlehanded. Anyway, it's yours if you want it.`

Rosewine: 'Oh, I wand it alright. What's it say, by the way?'

Tom: 'Three for the sex-magi - ghouled, frank incest and - murrggh!

Five for the head-banging dwarfs in their halls of skulls,

Seven for the elven pederasts in the bedquilts,

Nine for mortal men, doomed by dice,

One ring to burger them all,

One ring to fine them,

One ring to bone them all,

And in the darkness grind them.'

Rosewine: 'Interesting.'

Tom: 'Not overly so, I think you're friend's finished.`

Scene 3

The shadows part as MAP stalks out of the gloom, pauses to assess the situation, presses the green stud on his wand and closes his eyes.There is a faint shimmering in the darkness, a sour-sweet greenish-blue glow and out of the black stumbled the rosy-cheeked form of Merrymelons, eyes glistening with tearfulness and - recent orgasm.

Merrymelons: 'Oh Tom, I never thought we'd be together like this ever again. Are those shoes muddy? You need a shave. Have you hoovered recently?'

Tom strives to look grateful.

Tom: 'Thank you. Both of you. I'll never forget this ... er ... great boon.' 'It's a wonderful miracle.'

Tom continues to look downcast.

Tom: 'I'll never be able to repay you.'

Tom avers with a curious gleam in his eye.

Tom: 'Won't I?'

MAP fulsomely.

MAP: 'The pleasure's all mine Tom, she's a great fuck.'

THE END